Better than I deserve...

Oregon Coast

So I've been thinking about something that one of my pastors always said as I was growing up. When anyone would ask him how he was doing he would reply, "Better than I deserve." I always thought that that was a really neat reply because it was so honest. All of my replies seemed so lame or shallow: 

• "I'm doing fine" -translated as "I'm really doing okay but not great but I really shouldn't complain."
• "Great!" -translated as "I want you to think that everything is just dandy but if you were to probe I would tell you what is really bothering me"
• "Oh... you know..." -translated as "I'm not even going to pretend things are okay, but I'll leave it up to you to decide whether you want to know more."
• "Things are going really well!" -translated as "Hey, I'm in a really good mood right now and have had an incredible day/week/month. Things are really going really well! Let me expound upon how awesome my life is right now!"

See, all of my 'go-to' replies are so... ME-focused! Thus they are shallow! Thus they are lame. And so from time to time I try out the "better than I deserve" bit. But when I say it, it never seems to have the same ring to it that it had when my pastor said it. This has bothered me, and so I began to reflect on it a little while back. Why does it sound so odd coming out of my mouth? Why does it still feel like a shallow response? Why do I always feel like when I say it there is pride there?

As I thought and searched my surface thoughts and emotions I found that I could find no surface reason. I had to dig further down into my heart. Why did a simple reply seem so dishonest or shallow or something when I said it? Eventually I found that it was because I don't meditate often enough on my own undeserving state. I don't think deeply enough or often enough about what a sinner I am and what a gracious God my Heavenly Father is. 

The Apostle Paul says in Romans 3:10-20,

"as it is written:

"None is righteous, no, not one;

no one understands,

no one seeks for God.

All have turned aside; together they have become worthless,

no on does good,

not even one."

"Their throat is an open grave,

they use their tongues to deceive."

"The venom of asps is under their lips."

"Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness."

"Their feet are swift to shed blood;

in their paths are ruin and misery,

and the way of peace they have not known."

"There is no fear of God before their eyes."

You see, I am, and you are, a part of the "no one is righteous" and "no one who does good" and "together they have become worthless". I haven't sought him. I haven't even begun to understand him. I've only caught a glimpse of his holiness.


The Apostle Paul goes on to say in Romans 6:20-23 that,

"For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness.

But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed?

For the end of those things is death.

But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God,

the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life.

For the wages of sin is death,

but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

As an unrighteous person, a slave to sin and death, I deserve death! That is the wage... what I have earned. Which is why my replies to the "How are you" question all seem shallow or dishonest. When I say fine, great, awesome, or 'oh, you know' I am being dishonest and shallow. My tongue is being deceitful (Romans 3:13). My response should be, "Help! I'm dying. I am headed straight for hell!" Because that is what I deserve and that, apart from the grace of God, is exactly where I'm going!

But that is just one side of the conversation in Romans. The other side gives light and hope! Yes, I deserve death and hell and punishment forever. Yes, I am dying. Yes, I am failing and falling. But God has given me a free gift, a gift of hope. 

A gift of salvation. 

A gift of eternal life in Christ Jesus. 

What did I do to deserve this gift? NOTHING! It's a free gift! Not one that I have earned, or could earn even if I tried! I am utterly undeserving. And yet this gift is mine.

And so, only when I have reflected on this wonderful truth can I respond to the question, "So, how are you doing these days Nettie?"

-Me? Why I am far better than I could ever deserve.

Pacific Ocean off of the Oregon coast