Identity: Who am I anyways? (PART 3)

In the last post I detailed how I found out that I did not have a job the following year. I was in despair and at a complete loss for what to do next. It took about a week before I was even able to stomach going online and looking at job listings. I started by re-activating all of my job applications from the previous summer when I had been job hunting. And then I expanded the criteria. I went from just hunting for jobs in the surrounding states to opening up my applications to all 50 states. I was finally able to just say, "You know what Heavenly Father, I don't think I know where I'm supposed to go next. I don't know what you're going to have me do. And quite frankly Father, at this moment in time, I really actually don't have much of a preference. Please take me where you want me to go."

And He did. If I remember correctly, I started applying for jobs on May 21st or 22nd. That week I came across a job listing at Providence Classical Christian School. I had put off applying at Christian schools for two reasons: 1) The pay is not great  2) The applications are at least twice as long as the applications for almost any other school. But the PCCS website intrigued me and I found myself agreeing with the classical model of education. I decided to apply if the job listing was still valid, if for no other reason than to have one Christian school application done. It would be so much easier to apply to other Christian schools if I had a base application to work off of.

I didn't get the chance to apply to any other Christian schools.

May 27th - (Happy Birthday sister-in-law Evie!) I received an email that confirmed that the job listing was still active but time was running out. They were hoping to announce the new teachers at the end of the week. I rushed to send in application. Talk about motivation to finish a lengthy application!

May 29th - I finished sending in all components of the application including an essay, my testimony, and other parts. I received an e-mail the same day requesting to set up interview for next day. Wow. God was really working! But my tentative self couldn't and wouldn't believe that I already had an interview scheduled. I decided that this interview was a gift from God to help me get back into the groove of interviewing.

May 30th - I interviewed over the phone at 12:30 Eastern time/9:30 Pacific time. The interview went really well! I really cannot stand talking on the phone... my quality of communication just goes way down since I rely so much on body language and facial expressions when I am talking with people. I was so nervous but also comforted knowing that so many people were praying. The interview started off by the interview committee beginning with prayer with me... praying that I would have clarity of mind as I answered questions and that they would be gracious listeners. They prayed that this time would be glorifying to God. Wow. Right from that point I began to relax and become so much more comfortable. I literally leaned back in my chair and put my feet up on another chair. That was the fastest hour long phone conversation I have ever had. It was a blessing to talk with the interview committee. As I talked with them I became more and more convinced that I would LOVE to work at this school. I went home after school that afternoon just praying for God's will and for contentment in wherever he would take me, even if was all the way to Washington state!

Well, I received call at 4pm that afternoon and was offered the job as a 2nd grade teacher..

June 5th - I signed the contract.

This whole experience... losing a job, finding a job, driving across the country, getting into a serious car accident and losing my car, living in a new place with new people all around... has challenged me in regards to where I find my identity. This past May I was just starting to wake up to my identity problem, even though I think I realized that it was an issue lurking in my heart prior to this time.

Once my family went back to the midwest after dropping me off I began to seriously deal with more identity issues and with who I think/thought I am/was.

-friends? Who are they? Why are they my friends?

-family? Where do I fit? Why?

-church? What was my role? Why was I comfortable? What is my role now in a new church?

-God? What was was I looking for in my relationship with my God and Savior? How was my love for the Lord playing out in every day life?

-possessions? My car. It was who I was. My house/personal space. I let it define me. 

Basically, I started to seriously ask myself, "How have I let my perceptions of myself rule my life?" We all have certain ideas about ourselves, but sometimes those ideas get so big that they begin to rule our lives. Why is this a bad thing? Why should I not lean on my perceptions of myself? Isn't self-criticism a good thing sometimes?

I think to a degree we do need to evaluate ourselves and make changes where changes need to be made. For me though, my perceptions of myself were unrealistic and caused me to have an unhealthy view of myself. More importantly, it caused me to question the goodness of God's work in creating me. I was basically telling God that he had made me wrong... that I was supposed to be someone else. I have always struggled with constantly finding fault with myself and then being unhappy with my life. I then have a tendency to try to control everything in my life in order to compensate for the parts of my life that I'm displeased with. 

Why do I have these problems? Where is this giant issue coming from? What caused it? How can I prevent it from ruling my life again? Do other people struggle with this? Who? Why?

In recent months everything that I have ever known in my day-to-day life has been stripped away: location, family and old friends close by, my car, my books, my furniture, and so on and so forth. Of the few possessions I did bring with me, most have remained in boxes and been put in the basement because there is no room for them. And that seems to be the work that God is doing in my heart. He is asking me... Where do I find my identity now? Why? Where am I looking for comfort and peace? And then he is whispering into my ear, "Dear daughter, there is no room for these extras. Your identity must be completely in me. Not in all these other little things that you are clinging to! Put them away. Don't look to them. Trust me to fill you with the Spirit and do not rely on this world to create an identity for you."

Do I still struggle? Certainly! Every day... hour by hour even! But there is an awareness there now, and I thank God for making me aware. Because knowing that there is a problem is the first step to being able to battle it and overcome it.