Heart Dealings

You know in your quiet times with the Lord when you ask Him to deal with your heart... to show you your heart and to help you kill the sin that dwells there. Those times when you are so sincere and truly wish and pray for God's working hand in your life? That is my desire, and I pray often that God will work in my heart and life to make me more like Him.

But it still hurts when He does.

 Hebrews 12:4-11

4) In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5) And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

          My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,

             Nor be weary when reproved by him.

          6) For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,

             And chastises every son whom he receives.

7) It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8) If you are left without discipline, in which we all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9) Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? 10) For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11) For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time… I can’t think of one time as a child where as I was being disciplined I thought, “Ahhhhh, yes. This is it! This is the life. I can’t think of anything better!” Instead there was turmoil in my little soul and tears in my little eyes. But looking back I can see that it was good! I learned through those times of discipline. I grew! More than that, God used those times to work in my heart and show me my own depravity.

To that end, He is STILL showing me my shortcomings and pointing out the sin in my heart.

A week ago Thursday I was in a car accident on my way out to Washington. We were just six hours away from Seattle and had stopped for the night in Spokane. On our way back to the hotel after getting some dinner the accident happened. It is a mercy of the Lord that neither my little brother nor I were killed. Little brother walked away with only one scratch. I walked away with an abrasion on my forehead, some lacerations on my right hand, some bruising on a knee and arms, and two stitches on a cut on my foot.

My car, my Calvin, was totaled.

I was shocked. How had this happened??? Why had this happened??? As I began to come out of my shocked state in the ER the devil was there and shooting all sorts of accusations and picking at the weak spots in my heart.

-I was shivering like crazy as my body began to come out of the shock and I quickly grew angry with myself when my muscles would not obey my command to be still.

-I began thinking about what had happened and became upset with myself that I had been in an accident. I had unknowingly made the resolution to avoid being involved in any accidents for all of my life, and was extremely upset with myself for being in this situation. I'm a perfectionist and do not like it when I don't meet my own expectations for myself.

-As I lay there I thought of my car. I felt so guilty that my car was totaled… my good little Calvin, gone.

-I felt guilty and angry that my parents had had to watch the accident happen and that they were now dealing with all of the things that an accident brings.

-I began thinking of how all of my plans that I had made now lay by the wayside and were no good. I’m a planner and a perfectionist. This was devastating.

As I lay in the ER trying to control my muscles and with Satan whispering all sorts of accusations and telling me what a despicable person I was, my Savior drew near. He gently began to put scripture into my mind, and He has continued to do just that since then.  My Heavenly Father has been dealing firmly with me and showing me the idols that have been living in my heart. God is a jealous God, not willing to share His throne (my heart) with anyone or anything.

My heart feels as if surgery has been done on it. In a way, God has done surgery on my heart. He has taken my car and my perfectionism and my plans (all idols) off of the throne in my heart. He has told me that those things don't deserve to sit in His spot in my heart. He has removed them for me so that I can focus once again on him. 

This has not been a pleasant time. I have cried a lot and am saddened to see just how much I have snubbed my God and my Savior for lesser things. I'm thankful for the work that He has done in my heart. 

Verse 11 of Hebrews 12 stands out and is encouraging to me,

" For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, 

but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

I would much rather have God's discipline in my life so that I can be more and more like my Lord and Savior. I am so thankful that He does not leave me to myself and my sinful ways. What a loving Heavenly Father I have!