Identity: Who am I anyways? (Part 2)

So yes, I've been learning a lot in each and every area of my life. School, church, driving around Seattle, Washington geography, the best places to shop, where to find the best cup of coffee (which so far is Walnut Street Coffee), finding the little nook and cranny bookstores, what sports teams are popular and which ones I'm supposed to root for based on where I live (it's the Seattle Seahawks and the University of Washington Huskies), and many other little things.

But really those are just the little things. The heart of what I've been learning is not at school, not at church, not in Seattle, not even in Washington state! The heart of what I've been learning is... well, in my heart! It is something that I have struggled with my entire life, but never really had an all out-and-out battle over it. It's been a dormant issue in my heart for many years, always lurking on the edge of my perspective into life and my interactions with different people: new acquaintances, old friends, even close family members. Looking back I would say that God really began bringing it to light last May. He wasn't exactly gentle in the way he tore it out of the dark recesses of my heart. It was more of a one minute I had no thoughts of ever dealing with it and the next minute I was forced to confront it and start dealing with it.

See, I have a problem. I am not comfortable... with who I am.

I want to be someone different. Someone who is cool, fun, exciting! An extrovert! Someone who is funny and witty. Someone who has a ton of experience and can hand out expert opinions like they're nothing. Someone who is a born athlete... or at least athletic in some ability. I want to be that beautiful girl. Or someone who is incredibly intelligent. I want to be that well-read friend. Perhaps someone who has traveled and seen the world has a well-rounded and developed point of view and opinions. Straight hair please! No, curly! Thinner if you don't mind. No ankle problems... healthy as an ox! Someone... someone... someone not me!

Quite honestly all of these wants have had a regular residence in my mind, and they have sapped so much of my enjoyment of life and the abilities God has given me. But I get ahead of myself.

May 13th was the day, I believe, that God challenged this point of view head on. At least, this is the first time that I specifically remember and that I am able to identify. I was sitting in my classroom at school in Indiana, making plans for the 2013-14 school year. I had been promised the position for the 2013-14 school year and was really looking forward to my second year of teaching. I finally had the room that I had inherited de-cluttered and re-decorated. I had finally gotten the students in the classroom under control (I inherited a lot of discipline issues). AND I had gone through the application and interview process as required (just formalities I was told). But everyone was sure that I had the job. Surely my efforts and work this past year had paid off! I had worked as a full-time teacher, taking on all the responsibilities and fulfilling all expectations even though I was technically only a substitute. After-all, it had been promised to me way back in November! The principal had told me time and time again how impressed she was and often talked with me about "next year" and things she would like me to do then. I had every confidence that I had a job there the next year. But on the afternoon of May 13th, the principal came in to talk. She talked about how there were so many great candidates for the 3rd grade position... my position... the position I had worked so hard in for the past six months. She talked about what a wonderful job I had done both on the job and in the interview and how the interview panel had been "blown away".

And then she finished up by saying she thought it would be a good idea if I started applying for other jobs.

I don't tell you all of this to ask for pity. Not at all. God has brought me to another school and blessed my life immensely. He has taught me so many things and done such work in my life... I would not change a thing. So please don't feel sorry.

I tell you all of this just to illustrate how unexpected this announcement was. I was shocked. My mind was numb. Another dear, dear teacher at the school came in to my classroom a couple minutes after the principal left it and immediately saw something was not right. After talking over what just happened with her I realized I needed clarification. What exactly HAD just happened? I ended up having to wait a couple of days before I had the opportunity to talk to the principal. When I went in and talked to her I asked what exactly was going on, and it was then that she told me they were going to offer the job to someone from Texas who had a record of high test scores. (Blah. Don't get me started on test scores as a basis for hiring!)

Well, I made it out of the building and barely to my car before I absolutely lost it. I sobbed all the way home and called my mom in a panic. I'm not proud of it but I lay on my living room floor sobbing in absolute agony. (My poor, supportive, loving mother listened patiently to me and then prayed with me over the phone) As I lay there doubtful, torturous thoughts flew through my mind. "What had happened? What was going on??? What in the world had I done wrong????? Why am I not good enough? If only I were someone different..."

And there it was. Looking back I can see very clearly that the reason the situation was so traumatizing was because I was definitely not secure in who I was. I had staked my identity in my job! I had failed to stake my identity in my Savior, who never changes, and instead had declared myself to be a person based mostly on where I worked. When that identity was snatched away in a moment, I wasn't sure who I was anymore. I was lost totally and completely.

I spent the next week in a slough of despond. There were still three weeks of school left. How in the world was I supposed to finish them? I came into school just on time. Not early as my habit had been before. I left as soon as I was allowed... no more staying late for me! I avoided talking to any of the other teachers if at all possible. How could I face them??? I was so embarrassed.

But God doesn't leave His children without help. No, He longs to aid them. He desires to help! Indeed, this difficult time was ordained by Him in order to help me. He is not satisfied to leave me in a dissatisfied state with myself. In fact, He sent His Son to die for me, so that I might become one of His very own daughters. Christ died that I might have an everlasting and firm identity in Him!

During this time my mom sent me a link to a sermon. I don't remember what the sermon was titled or even who delivered the sermon, but one quote really stuck with me through this difficult time. It helped get me through and eventually helped me look forward and realize that Christ was doing a work in me, even if I didn't understand it yet. The quote was,

"Jesus Christ takes his disciples to places they would never go

in order to achieve in them what they could never accomplish on their own."

I pushed rewind on that sermon so many times to hear that quote. I began to have a little tiny awakening that this was a part of God's plan too. He was taking me somewhere I wouldn't have gone myself in order to a work in my heart that I could never do on my own. 

And He has. 

(To be continued... again)

Identity: Who am I anyways? (Part 1)

Wow! I can't believe that on Saturday I will have been living in Washington for three months! It really does seem quite unreal to me! These three months have been a huge learning time for me in so many different ways. 

Just learning the new curriculum and being ready to teach from it has been huge. The spelling curriculum and grammar curriculum are really very rigorous... plus being prepared to teach Bible (the students always have excellent questions so I need to make sure I'm as ready as possible), immersing myself into ancient Egypt for the history curriculum (which is fascinating but time-consuming), figuring out how to incorporate the geography with history and add on the other skills, science and finding time for it and how to make it interactive (the students just have workbooks... no textbooks), and the math curriculum is brand new to the school, which means we are meeting about it, talking it over, and spending a lot of time preparing to teach it. But I love it. I love learning all of these new things and really gaining more of an appreciation for the world God has created and placed me in. It truly is awe-inspiring to study these things and then exhilarating to turn around and teach them to a group of children! 

But I haven't just been learning about the school and the curriculum. I've also been learning about the geography of Washington, specifically of Seattle. I've been amazed to realize that I have already started to get my bearings as far as where things are and in which general direction I need to go to get places. Now don't get me wrong, the street names are still EXTREMELY confusing! They all seem to be numbers with directions tacked on the beginning and end. Apparently that means something but I haven't figured that out yet. You can have a 128th St. N, and NE 128th St, and a NE 128th Pl. all meet in one intersection... talk about confusing! But overall, I feel like I'm getting the hang of where things are at and where the major Washington landmarks are located.

I think I'm finally starting to remember more names at church. It's really is difficult when I only see them once a week. I'm thankful for a ladies fellowship that one of the teachers invited me to with ladies from her church. We'll be reading through a book. And the ladies at my church are starting a monthly get together as well with talk of starting a Bible study as well. I'm so thankful. I have just been so hungry for good Christian fellowship where we are able to be a part of each other's lives and to spend time speaking truth into one another's lives. Sunday's are good for the beginnings of that, but Christian fellowship is meant to go so much further than the door of the church!

(To be continued)

See you in the funny papers!

I seriously feel like every day in my classroom is excellent material for a cartoon artist. Some of the things the kids say!!! And do!!!

On Monday, the day was kind of dragging by and I could just tell that the kids were having a hard time staying engaged. So I started wracking my brain... what could I do to help them? I have heard very often that a good teacher switches things up and is always doing unexpected things. So I decided to try my hand at doing something unexpected. I asked the students to get out their Bibles for our Bible lesson and turn to Genesis 12. As they were flipping to the spot I walked to the back of the room, grabbed my black scarf and a white shower curtain with gold trim that was hanging in the cabinet and stepped outside the back door to transform myself into one of Abram's relations. I came back in and took my merry little class on a journey around the grounds, telling the Bible story as I went. The loved it. When I led them back to the classroom they all went in and sat down. I became myself again and snuck in through another door. They thought it was absolutely hilarious that I pretended to be surprised and confused that they had gone on a journey to the land of Ur and then to Canaan. Their delighted giggles rolled around the classroom as they recounted the tale that the other me had told them. I wish I could remember some of their comments, because they were just so cute and funny! I know, I know... I need to start writing this stuff down!


I introduced our first chapter book for Literature this week: The Courage of Sarah Noble. I prefaced it by saying that while picture books are certainly enjoyable, chapter books are ten times as wonderful. I told them that I really believed that by the end of 2nd grade they would all love chapter books much more than they loved picture books. And so throughout this week I have been encouraging them to choose a chapter book over a picture book to read in their free time. Today I got a sweet reward for my persistence. Little J (who is a jolly-figured little fellow and speaks with an adorable lisp and is always so serious. Also, I'm seriously afraid he might be able to teach the class better than I sometimes!) had his dress shoe on my knee as I tried to double-tie it for him. The laces are round and short making it difficult for his sweet, chubby little fingers. He was talking to me about something or other, I don't remember what, but as I finished he started walking away and said his serious little way (and make sure you read it with a lisp!), "Oh, and by the way Miss Wesner, you were right about one thing."
"Oh?" said I, "What is that?"
"Well, I agree, chapter books are SO much better than picture books."


This was also the week where the class as a whole really, really, really seemed to relax and accept me as their teacher. How can I tell? What was different? Well, for starters, they all started giving me hugs this week. :) I love that! I received three pictures and a little letter from some of my students. Love those! And also, I was called 'mom' several times this week.

I miss these little heart-stealers! Can't wait to see them again tomorrow!

What's your favorite part?

"Good morning L---! Good morning R----! Good morning H------! I missed you all so much! Good morning S--! Did you have a good weekend? Good morning J-----! Good morning, good morning, good morning!"

Hugs.
Smiles.
Listening to what they did over the weekend.

I love it.

I am seriously so happy. Almost every minute of each day at school is wonderful. I love each of my students so much already... and I miss them so much over the weekend!

Highlights of this past week:
Me: "So what has been your favorite part of second grade so far?"
Several answers were of course math, literature, science, gym, music, and all the normal stuff and then there was this one"
Me: "S--? What is your favorite part so far?"
S--: "Ummmm..." looks shyly down and then back up, "You."

So stinkin' cute! After he said that, all the other students were little dears and couldn't wait to say something similar. It just warmed my heart. Then there was another incident...

Just a couple days ago we were out at the pick-up line at the end of the day and M----'s mom came up to me and said...
M-----'s Mom: "I just had to tell you this. At dinner we go over the highs and lows of our days. My husband (C---) asked M----- what his high was and
M----- said, 'School'.
When C--- asked him what part of school M----- told us that his teacher was the best part about school! C--- said, 'You just really like your teacher, don't you?'
'Yeah,' said M-----.
Then C--- asked M----- what the low part of his day was
and he said, 'Leaving her there.'

Well, melt my heart! I've got some little charmers in my class! I'm so glad that we are all getting along!

Little E--- and sweet H----- are always giving me hugs. They are all enthusiastic learners and follow directions quite well. Of course they have their faults and their moments, but overall, I cannot imagine a better start to the year! I am SO excited to go to school each day!

I can't believe I work here... but it must be for real... because I got my ID badge this week and it says that I really do work here!

By the way, my hair is pretty curly now. The rain and moist air are creating a rather different hairstyle for me.


We read the Velveteen Rabbit this week. What a good book. I teared up while reading it to the kids. Ooops. ;-) Kinda embarrassing. Haha!
So Thursday we had "Shabby Stuffed Animal Day." The kids were so excited to bring in there favorite stuffed animals and share them with me and with each other! I love that I can just do fun things like this as the inspiration strikes. I love teaching!


In other news, my sister, Christy, is coming to visit in THREE WEEKS AND ONE DAY!!!!!! I'm so exciiiiiiittttteeeeeeeeeddddddddddddddddd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, just a little excited anyways.


I'm really enjoying all the healthy food options out here. And it has been so much easier to work on my gluten-free, dairy-free cooking. I can really tell a difference with staying away from dairy. The gluten doesn't seem to be as much of an issue, but I'm still experimenting with it. Anyways, last weekend I made some gluten-free, dairy-free chocolate chip cookies and some gluten free, dairy-free apple crisp. May I just say, YUMMILICIOUS! They were so good! They didn't even have the weird aftertaste or odd texture that gluten-free baked goods often do.

This weekend I'm going to try gluten-free, dairy-free pumpkin pie. We'll see how that turns out!

I miss all you wonderful mid-westerners so much! 

Hope you are enjoying the beautiful fall colors for me! It's still green here. :)